Kids are filled with a sense of entitlement these days. Luckily, the answer is a simple solution you can read about here.
Our 9 year old decided that he wants–no, needs to own a fidget cube.
My Mom had bought small fidget spinners for my older two boys, and she offered to get one for him, too. But he wanted a slightly different model for himself.
Trouble is, he had spent all of his money on a giant Lego set months ago and hadn’t refilled his piggy bank since then.
Part of me wanted to plop down the money for the toy and let him have it. After all, it’s only a few dollars.
Even in our #yearofno it wouldn’t be much to spend. (More on that in a minute.)
And who can turn down a cute face asking for such a small thing?
Instead, I began to think about this moment on a larger scale. Just one little moment like this seems insignificant.
Was there really a lesson on the sense of entitlement to be learned here?
The One Thing That Stops The Sense of Entitlement
Our family is working on something we call #yearofno. We’re getting out of debt by not spending money on anything non-essential.
People have asked us all sorts of questions. “How’s it work?” “What are you doing differently?”
But the question I’m asked the most is “How did you get your kids on board?”
At first, this question totally baffled me. Why would I ask permission from my kids?
But more and more, I get it.
We live in a world where our kids expect to get everything they want, and to get it now.
Any TV show you want on demand without commercials. (What are commercials, Mom?) Candy or stickers at every stop while you run errands.
And parents that are so busy, they can hardly keep up.
Who hasn’t occupied their kids with a screen in a pinch?
But for the most part, I try hard to keep entitled behavior at bay. It’s not a fight I’m willing to lose.
How did we get our kids on board with the #yearofno?
We did it by saying no. A lot.
I didn’t buy the thing they ask for. I don’t take them every place they want to go. There’s no way I’m going to let them eat fast food every time they ask for it. I’m not buying a new app each week.
Frankly, I’m not willing to leave my future in the hands of little people too young to understand the consequences of their choices.
Is that child abuse? Several people have said that it is!
But I’ll stand my ground. And I’ll tell you why you should stand your ground, too.
Why “No” Is Hard
Who wants to be the Mom or Dad always saying no? That’s not fun.
Besides, who can stand the inevitable whining that comes with saying no?
Well, the good news is that you can adjust to this new attitude. And so can your kids.
In fact, I think you’ll all begin to love it. But only if you power through the hard parts.
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How to Squash Entitlement And Raise Happy Kids
I read a parenting book called The Well-Behaved Child.
Remember how our parents could stop our behavior flat with “the look”? Where has that gone??
It might be “old fashioned” parenting, but a lot of good stuff was lost when we collectively decided that our parents and grandparents had no idea how to raise kids.
Here’s one of the points I loved from the book…
Think about basketball. If your child hits another player, does the ref pull them aside and ask if they meant to do that?
No. He points to them, reads their number, and gives them a foul. No second chances. No discussion on what the child feels about what just happened.
Bonus points…you never have to spend time deciding whether this is the time you’ll discipline, or if it’s another time to say “The next time you do that…I’ll…do something.”
Extra bonus points…your kid won’t wonder if this is the time you let it slide or you lose your mind. They’ll know exactly what’s coming.
(And there’s a good chance you won’t have to discipline nearly as often because of that.)
Here It Comes…
I know what you’re thinking! If you tell your child no, he or she is going to whine. And I don’t mean a little whine.
There will be full blown dramas fit for Hollywood.
You’re probably right! But the truth is, I’ve been telling my kids no for ages…and they still whine. But the Hollywood moments are fewer and farther between!
To be honest, if you’re the type to give in to whining, you’ve created some serious work for yourself. Your kid knows just how to play you.
So let them have their fit, but who says you have to participate in it? Tell them to keep their fit in a certain room and they’re free to come out when they’re finished.
Just remember that the only way to break the whining habit is to let your children know with certainty that whining will never result in them getting what they want.
You’ll have to prove to them over and over again that you’ve quit the habit of giving in to whining before they take you seriously.
Timing Is Everything
Don’t wait for the meltdown moment to tell your kids no. Practice saying no every day. Does that sound like a negative thing?
Then reframe the way you talk about it.
My kids want to eat snacks and play with toys during church. Instead, I remind them, “Out of an entire week, I ask you to sit still and be quiet for just one hour. That’s not asking too much.”
Then it’s just a matter of not bringing snacks or toys with you to church.
That can be hard. You’ll probably miss important parts of church that you’d rather be paying attention to, because you’ll be redirecting children instead.
But keep doing it! Eventually, they’ll adjust. (Probably sooner than you expect.)
Another example… On the advice of parents whose kids are older than mine, I’ve decided that my kids don’t need access to social media until high school. (Scratch that, now we make them wait until they’re 16.)
That’s hard for all of us. I want them to be able to interact with their friends. And that’s how most kids interact these days.
But it’s not worth the trouble that comes with social media. Kids who aren’t old enough to understand the responsibilities of such a powerful tool simply shouldn’t have it.
Both children and parents have to practice this “no” on a regular basis in a world that accepts technology so quickly.
But it’s given us real world chances to talk about technology as we ease our kids into new situations.
Why is this YouTube video ok, but that one isn’t? What happened to this child in the news when he posted something to Instagram?
No kid is going to say, “Yeah, Mom. I see your point about social media. You’re so smart!”
But it will plant a tiny seed in their minds to ponder on as they go through life.
Follow Through
Don’t believe the lie that you have to be perfect. You aren’t and you might as well stop hiding it. 😉
Do try to be consistent. But don’t throw away the entire thing if you mess it up here and there.
What Are the Best Things In Life?
- Family you can count on. (Prove it, Mom and Dad!)
- True friendships (not superficial groups of peers).
- Good health, money habits, and relationships from learning to say no to every little impulse.
- Knowing how to work hard and problem solve. (Important for everything!)
- Forgiveness. None of us are perfect, and we’re all trying to do our best!
The Fun Part
Do I say no to my children every single time? Of course not!
It’s fun to have ice cream before supper or grab tickets for that special event. But the secret is, those things are fun treats.
Done every day, they start to lose their sparkle.
Learn to say no to your children and give them the best instead.
While I silently wrung my hands and reminded myself not to interfere with my boy while he struggled with his desire to buy something he couldn’t afford, he got busy and solved the problem.
A few chores later, and he was able to buy that fidget with money he’d earned himself!
By the way, I strongly recommend you have your kids do chores regularly. Grab this free printable list of chores for kids by age!
Give your kids a chance to prove to both of you that they can do it.
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How do you deal with the sense of entitlement in your kids?
I'm Jamie, and I want to help you afford a beautiful life with your family. 
This post is full of good reminders!! I will admit that I’m vulnerable to whining, but I’ve been working on it. I remind myself that I want my daughter to be able to problem solve for herself, and not think the world owes her a favor.
Great post, Jamie. It can be tough to say no, but one thing that helps is to pose most no’s as choices. “No, I won’t buy that for you. Do you want to save your allowance for that?” “If you continue to whine, you will lose your Kindle privileges today. Your choices have consequences.” It makes things seem less arbitrary to my daughter and gives her some agency while still establishing limits.
This is excellent! I agree with you wholeheartedly and never mind saying no… I know that the end result will be so much more worth it! I am going to feature this on Monday at THE ART OF HOMEMAKING MONDAYS at Strangers & Pilgrims on Earth.
Wow, thanks so much! 🙂 Glad to see like minded parents exist out there.
When saying no helps you financially, it’s helping your kids too in the future. I know my parents love me as much now as when I was little, but older me is acutely aware that the more they said no to me and my brother and took care of their financial futures when we were little, the more help that actually is to us now. I mean, if they wind up unable to finance their lives, my brother and I would have to do it. It’s so crazy to me that people choose tchotchkes and pointless junk for their kids when they can’t wisely afford to do so!
Being a parent is a wonderful thing, but it is work too. Saying no is critical to developing well-adjusted kids. I absolutely agree with everything you’ve said here, Jamie. Although I said no to my children while they were growing up, I wish I had said it a little more often.
I didn’t appreciate how truly difficult this is until I had kids of my own. I love the practice section. For me, if I can come into the situation having already made the decision, armed with a why, it makes things a little easier. They’re not always happy about it, but the practice and prep does make things a little easier.
Thank you! I’ve been looking for ways to practice with my own kids for a while, so I know that having cues to use really does help.
I really admire parents that can and do say no to their children. I can’t stand whining, so I can imagine how there might be the temptation to just give in.
I think that while it’s important to make kids feel loved and valued, it’s also important to teach them how to function as an independent person once they leave the house. And sometimes that means telling them no, or not yet, or you’re on your own for that one.
It’s way easier to give in when they are whining. I’ve certainly done it myself! But after a while you realize that it’s actually harder to give in to the whining, because you reinforce that behavior and they do it MORE not less. And you’re spot on, you can say no and still make them feel loved. It doesn’t have to be a mean no! 🙂 Thanks for reading.
Love this, Jamie! I, too, am a “no” mom! Especially when my girls were younger, my parenting “motto” was that their happiness in life was not my primary concern; I was more concerned with shaping their eternal souls. (And also with getting them to sleep through the night. Anyway.) And your list of the best things in life? Yes, yes, yes. Have a great week…stopping by from The Art of Homemaking Mondays! Congratulations on your feature! 🙂
Thank you!! I try to remind myself regularly of exactly that. Which is hard when the culture is “gotta have it now” and we’re thinking (hopefully) of things that are decades away and last for eternity.
I am a “no” mom, too, but I am guilty of giving in sometimes to whining (but never to buying things. . . more of discipline issues because I’m lazy). Thank you for the reminder. I need the encouragement to stay strong.
We all do!! It’s a hard job, especially because most of us Moms won’t see the fruit of our labor for a decade or more. I have to constantly remind myself that it’s worth the battle, especially because I’m fighting against my own kids for the benefit of those own kids. You got this, Mama!
This is a hard issue for parents; you have addressed it well! I will share your post on my Facebook page.
Thanks for sharing!
“If you tell your child no, he or she will most likely whine.”
This is SO true – our 2 year old absolutely whines/cries when ze wants something Right Now. Having learned the lesson from living with other young critters, we have a firm rule that you don’t always get what you want, but you DEFINITELY won’t get it if you decide to whine or cry about it. So ze has to ask politely, without crying or whining, before we’ll let zir have it. It’s as much about the ability to handle the possible no as it is about having self control and manners, which we think are equally important.
Even if it’s something I intended to give zir anyway, if ze decided to cry over it to make it happen faster, I make zir calm down and ask without sobbing before it happens lest we inadvertently teach zir that the real way to get things is to pitch a fit about it.
This is the kind of behaviour that raises children who become depressed, insecure adults. Sure, I agree that buying very young children phones and whatnots is not a great choice, but denying them every small pleasure all the time and trying to fill that gap with “love” is really absurd. Why have children at all? Then you won’t have to torture an innocent being, and you’d definitely have an easier life and better retirement plan. I’m not being malicious or sarcastic, I’m just speaking from my own experience. My mother was very inept (another no-sayer like the writer of this blog) and I had a miserable childhood. I will never have children because I do not want them to suffer as I might be inadequate. No suffering, however great or small, should ever be ignored.
I’ll admit that the post does make it sound like I say no every single time (which isn’t the case). But more often than not, it is a no.
Do you ever feel like you are placing a burden of a different kind on your kids by always saying yes? And do you really think kids would rather have things than quality time with a parent?
There is a difference between bad parenting and not giving your kids stuff all the time. I was very proud when one of my daughters said to me, as a teenager, “You know Dad, we were raised poorer than anyone I know!” In fact I was a high earner and many of her friends parents worked for me but not having spoiled our kids is serving them well in life now that they are grown and out on their own. The idea that love is inadequate to meet a child’s need for excess material want’s is what is absurd, of course love is more than adequate. Millions of children have lots of stuff bought by distracted parents when what they crave and cry out for is simply more love, attention and parenting.
Saying no to a child is not punishment — it is preparing them to be strong and confident in a future in which life will most certainly tell them “no” on many occasions — no to a desired job, no to a school application, no to a relationship, no to a longed-for skill, plus more. They need to learn they won’t get everything they want, and how to recover from hearing “no.” The key for parents is that love is the motivator, not anger or pure meanness. Giving a child everything he or she asks for is not only proven disastrous in many studies, but you can see the unhappy consequences played out in life all around you. Love, not giving in, is the greatest gift for a child.
I’m on the other side of child-rearing — I’m a grandmother. My kids heard no from me lots, but they also heard yes on occasion, when it was appropriate, as Jamie says here. My kids are now both grown; they are parents to some adorable kids, have good relationships with us, their friends, kids and spouses. We all enjoy each other’s company immensely. And I hear them tell their kids no more than yes, as well.
It took a full year, but I taught my tantrum-throwing toddler to quit throwing tantrums when I refused to get every toy or snack in her sight at the store. After that, we had fun at the store, once she learned she wouldn’t wither and die if she didn’t have that toy-of-the-moment or that box of cookies.
I just want to add that I believe this a) teaches kids how to appropriately say no to others themselves, and not feel bad about it. Which I DEFINITELY want my daughter to know how to do. And would want a son to know as well. And b) how to appropriately say no to their own kids one day. I don’t know if I could do it if my parents hadn’t! And totally agree that love shown in other ways is fully adequate! Yes, gifts are a love language, but probably not one understood as well when it’s at every request and no longer special. And likely done begrudgingly to pacify whining. And AMEN to having your long-term finances in order being better for your kids than more toys/treats/etc. The rarer the treat/splurge the further it goes.
I’m so thankful that this post exists! A pintrest sidetrack click that was actually worth it, ha! Yes yes yes to everything said, and I’m so encouraged to know there are more people out there recognizing these truths!
Thank you so much for this comment! It’s great to know that there are like-minded parents fighting the good fight for our kids. 🙂