If you use snowplow parenting, chances are your kids don’t know how to handle disappointment. Here’s how to fix it.
The phone rang, and I glanced at the number.
It was from another mom in our town. Our kids went to school together…but I didn’t know her well.
I wasn’t really sure what to expect when I answered. Turns out, I was in for a surprise.
The fifth graders at school had been in a stiff competition to get first choice of t-shirt color for the big end of the school year bash.
You might think that my child lost the competition…but nope. Actually, his class won.
And that was the problem.
Every single kid in our 11 year old’s class chose pink as their t-shirt color. Every single kid except for our child, that is.
He’s not the kind of boy that’s going to wear pink, even ironically. So when the class mom asked if anyone was unhappy with the choice of pink, he raised his hand.
The class mother was kind enough to call me to offer our child his own personal t-shirt of a different color so that he wouldn’t be uncomfortable wearing pink.
I’m guessing that she’s dealt with a lot of snowplow parenting and that was the reason for her call.
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Signs That You Might Be A Snowplow Parent
You know those parents who clear the road for their kids, no matter the circumstances?
They make sure their kids have no obstacles in their path.
- Let’s say your child gets a bad grade. Snowplow parents call the teacher (or even the principal) to demand the grade gets changed.
- They might call you to find out why their child wasn’t invited to your son’s birthday party. (And what can we do to get my kid included in the party?)
Or…
- …they might demand that their child be excused from wearing a shirt color they don’t like.
Well, in our family, snowplow parenting isn’t really a thing. We don’t save our kids from disappointment.
That might sound harsh, but read on to find out why it’s more kind than it seems.
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Why Snowplow Parenting Isn’t For Us
A t-shirt color is such a small thing. I probably sound like a real jerk of a Mom when it would be so easy to just let him wear a different shirt.
But this is actually the perfect time to step back and let them figure out how to handle the situation themselves.
How Do I Let Them Handle Disappointment?
Mama, I know how hard it is to watch our children deal with tough emotions. Sadness, fear, and yes… disappointment.
But when we swoop in and save our kids from emotions, we rob their chance to learn in a safe environment.
You see, your kid is going to face a lot of disappointment in his life.
Someday a girl will break his heart.
A good friend might betray his trust.
He may get laid off from a job or find out someone’s nasty lie has made important people think less of him.
And you’re right. Dealing with wearing a pink shirt when he’s in fifth grade isn’t going to make the pain of those things any less.
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But it will help him deal with the emotions he’s going to be slapped in the face with.
Because part of his brain is going to remember the times he’s had to deal with disappointment before.
And that will give him the tools he needs to get through harder problems later.
It seems like a small thing, but it matters.
Lessons in Disappointment and Grace
If you cringe at the thought of watching your child be disappointed over and over, don’t worry.
No one expects you to step back and watch them be hurt all the time.
In fact, it’s also important to teach them grace.
Sometimes she’ll drop her ice cream cone, and you’ll buy another one. Sometimes it rains out the biggest ball game of the year and you’ll have a sleepover instead.
Show them how to extend grace to others by being that resource for them.
But…
Sometimes that ice cream cone is a chance to learn that you should have been more careful (since Mom told you three times to stop trying to climb the fence while you were holding it!).
And sometimes weather pops up and messes up your plans that you were so excited about. We can’t control the weather, and it can be upsetting when things don’t go your way.
This is a chance to learn how to feel that disappointment, and how to handle it.
Give Them Guidance
If you’ve been a parent for longer than 10 minutes, you know how demanding the job is. It’s a constant balancing act.
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I’m not telling you to make them wear the pink shirt and tell them to deal with it.
As a parent, it’s our job to guide them through new situations, right?
Quiet Time
Some kids handle disappointment by withdrawing from the family for a short time. This is fine!
Not everyone is lovey dovey, and some of us need a little time to process what’s happening.
After they’ve had some quiet time, pop your head in and ask if they want to talk about it. (If they withdraw for longer periods of time, you’ll definitely want to discuss that with a family doctor.)
Anger
Some kids deal with disappointment in anger. They can’t handle when things don’t go their way.
If they react by screaming or throwing fits, a time out is in order. It’s less about sitting in a chair until a buzzer goes off, and more about giving them time to work things out without involving others in a negative way.
Basically, you’re giving them time to cool off.
After some time they are usually ready to talk or hug it out.
Quality Time
Some kids need extra cuddling time while they deal with their disappointment.
Give lots of hugs!
But move them into an activity before it becomes a complete pity party. (Bake cookies, go play together, tickle them like crazy!)
That’s how you quit that life as a snowplow parent.
It isn’t pretty, but we hope it will serve them well throughout their lives.
P.S. We were super proud of our son for standing up and admitting that he disagreed with the rest of the class.
The fact that he stands up for himself and doesn’t go along with the popular ideas in the crowd is another important life lesson. We hope he will apply that same attitude to the tougher situations to come.
Next up, are you fighting the sense of entitlement?
How do you handle disappointment in your family?
I'm Jamie, and I want to help you afford a beautiful life with your family. 
That is a great idea I’ll have to test that.
Let me know how it goes!
Yeah. It always makes me wonder if college students would be better off adjusting with this mentality 🙂
*visiting from the Homemaker’s Linky. Thanks for linking up!
Kate
Yep, just trying to think of what the world will look like for them when they are grown and out there! Thanks for hosting the party.
It sounds like we have a similar approach to disappointment as you: life is full of it and kids need to learn to deal with it. We tell them we’re sorry that something happened, acknowledge that it’s hard and yucky and makes us sad, and that it’s okay to feel all those things.
I think sometimes these lessons are harder on us parents than the kids. But in the long run it’s easier for all of us! Thanks for the visit.
We are exactly like that… We are believers that every child does not get a medal just for showing up. Every child does not get picked 1st for dodgeball. It’s survival of the fittest and they have to learn. It worked for me…it will work for them.
Yes! I think it’s important to prepare the kids for the world in a healthy way now rather than throwing them to the wolves unprepared later.
Baby Boy is still pretty young, yet we also don’t really try to keep disappointment away from him. I agree, it’s important for our children to learn what emotions are, how to effectively manage them without negative behaviors. Can I sit here and say that I always act or behave appropriately each time something goes wrong or I have an emotion, no. What I can say is that I strive to do well and by this striving to do well and improving continuously, Baby Boy is also learning to do the same (or that’s my hope/goal)! 🙂
Oh, we definitely aren’t perfect parents at all, but hopefully our kids are also learning from our imperfections. I think you are right on with that point.
This is so wise! I don’t have kids myself yet, but I taught kindergarten for four years, and it is SO important to allow kids to experience negative emotions in small doses… otherwise it really is harder for them to cope with them later on. And I love your thoughts on giving grace too! A wise and loving balance. 🙂
Hi Jamie,
I love this post! Growing up has its challenges and parenting is not always easy, but in the end making the hard choices to let them grieve and grow pays big in the end. My kids are now 18 and 20…I raised them to accept the good and the bad. I have chosen your post as my favorite to be featured in next week’s Oh My Heartsie Girl Wordless Wednesday!
Shellie
http://www.thefabjourney.com
Wow, thank you so much for the feature! I’m honored. 🙂 I’m glad to hear that it worked out from a more experienced parent!
I can understand this viewpoint well. I guess I’m surprised they called you to see about getting his own shirt. Kind of thoughtful of them but he might have stood out a lot with his own color shirt. Thanks for sharing at the #HomeMattersParty
Yes, the class mother is very thoughtful and was trying to make sure everyone was happy.
I agree with you about letting kids face disappointment. We empathize, encourage them to communicate respectfully, and then go along with the group decision. #smallvictoriessundaylinkup
Yes, there are definitely ways to handle it without being heartless!
THANK YOU! It is refreshing to see others *get it*! I have this discussion with others often. Life happens, there will not always be somethere to fix it, make it fair, correct it or offer a reward/feel better prize.
Great perspective! We can’t keep our children from experiencing disappointment and hurt throughout their lives, but we can help them develop the tools to use when they do.
Thanks for visiting!
I love this and I completely agree with you. Protecting our kids from every single thing only sets them up to fail later on.
Stopping by from Motivation Monday.
Thanks so much for visiting!
Having your child experience the full range of emotions is so important! How else will they learn how to handle hardships in life. Stop by to say hi 🙂
I totally agree! Thanks for visiting!
Wow, love that you don’t coddle your children, I’m thrilled to see 🙂 I didn’t coddle mine, and when he lost his job recently, he put his pants on and got a new one. 🙂 He didn’t sit and whine, he stood up!!!
#showcasetuesday
Woohoo! That’s great. I hope my kids carry these lessons to their teenage and adult years, too.
Some great points. Yes sometimes we would love to shield our children from hurt and disappointment but we can’t protect them from life.
Thank you for linking up with #ShowcaseTuesday
Great stuff Jamie, I am on the same page with you on this one!
I have two teen boys and they are enabled to experience the various emotions that are very much so a part and parcel of life. Learning to master their emotions is a skill that will serve them well now and in the future.
Sadly most parents turn to be over protective and will butt in (to save, prevent and shield) before a child has had the chance to even think through a given situation.
Great post on another perspective! Thank you for sharing and for linking up with the OMHGWW! Have a wonderful weekend ahead!! xx
Great post.
Thanks for sharing at Oh My Heartsie Wordless Wednesday Linky.
Hope to see you next week too.
Great post, thanks for sharing the experience with Hearth and soul blog hop.
I haven’t had to deal with this yet, since I only have a 6 month old, but it is a very interesting topic! It is important to teach your kids life lessons like this so that when they get older and there is not a mom/dad there to help them everyday, they have tools to deal with the different situations they experience. I appreciate parents that understand a good “teaching moment” and use small experiences to help their children grow!
It’s so easy to let those little moments pass you by, but sometimes you can catch them and turn them into something!
This is so true – and so well expressed. The little things do build the skills to handle the big things in life. We have a little one who every decision we make is a disappointment to her – she wanted it another way!! Sometimes I think we focus on obedience – and I’m a big fan of obedience, but I think we over use it in our training – so helping her deal with her disappointment when she had other plans is a helpful, and gets her ready to be obedient. Thanks for sharing your story.
Yes, I’d say there is link there between obedience and disappointment. We definitely allow natural consequences whenever we feel there will be a learning experience from them.
I love this! It’s so tempting to swoop in and try to fix all our kids’ problems, but sometimes they need to learn how handle difficult feelings, and these “small” problems offer good learning opportunities. Thanks for sharing at the Manic Mondays blog hop!
You really have to stop yourself and remember that it’s one of those tough, teachable moments. Thanks for hosting!
I love your post. This is a beautiful message that needs to be shared more. I totally agree that to build resilient children, they need to work through experiences they may not love. Best for them to do it now while we can help them.
Thanks for such a sweet comment. 🙂 Parenting is definitely hard work.