Life with animals isn’t always sunshine and roses.  In fact, it’s mostly a lot of poop.  Sometimes you have to do dirty jobs, like drenching a goat.  This is kind of a how to drench a goat guide…maybe more of a how not to drench a goat.  But mostly, it’s a look at life with goats.  If you’ve ever wondered what that’s like, then read on.

How to Drench a Goat - Or "Why I Look Awful"

Whenever in doubt, please read the following in sarcasm font.

Step One

Realize that you really need to take care of the goat by using the drenching method.  (In our case, it’s because they had scours and I was worried about hydration.  I wouldn’t recommend the following method for administering meds.)  Mentally prepare yourself.

Step Two

Put on old clothes.  So you found that ugly t-shirt that you never liked anyway and some pants that don’t quit fit right.  That’s great!  But you’re not quite there yet.  Oh no, newbie.  Make sure that you are not wearing your favorite undies or bra, either.  That’s right.  I had a goat rip through my shirt and my bra once.  Yep, I was violated by my goat.  Still waiting to hear back from HR on that one.

[Tweet “Yep, I was violated by my goat. Still waiting to hear back from HR on that one.”]

Step Three

Gather your materials.  Realize you don’t have exactly what you need.  Contemplate a trip to the feed mill for said items.  Realize that you have Gatorade in the pantry and a nice clean turkey baster in the kitchen.  That’s pretty much the same thing they’d sell you anyway.  Grab them and head to the barn.

Step Four

Go into the goat pen and grab the correct animal.  Tell her that this is going to be fun and she is in for a yummy treat!  She will look at you skeptically.  Try to grab her by the horns (that’s one of the reasons we didn’t dehorn these girls, right?).  As they slip out of your hands, try not to fall into piles of crap.  Try to grab the horns again.  Convince her that you just want to give her a hug.  She will think that this is so awesome that, to repay you, she’ll rip your shorts with her horns.  Obviously you’ll let her go for a moment, just to mourn the loss of shorts that are older than your kids.

Step Five

Finally get the sense to pin her against the wall (not squeezing, just firm enough to stop her from getting away).  Grab her by the jaw and insert turkey baster of Gatorade (orange, you want to be sure to choose the goat’s favorite flavor) into her mouth.  Slowly squeeze the liquid, aiming for the back left corner of her mouth towards the throat.  She should drink it down if you don’t squeeze too much at a time.  After she outsmarts you and slips away, repeat.  Then repeat again.  Chant to yourself “This is the life choice I made.  This is the life choice I made.”

Step Six

Attempt to slip back into the house before a rare car comes driving past you on your dead end road and offers to call 911 since, by your appearance, there was clearly some type of accident.

If you’re boring or just want to avoid a lot of the nonsense parts of these steps, you can just put the goat into your handy stand that you built a while ago in preparation for such occurrences.

As an example, here’s what mine looks like:

goat stand

Oops.  Perhaps that needs to make it to my goals for the week list??

Be sure to share your favorite goat story!  I can’t be the only one…