Are You Done Having Kids?
Today another one of our babies begins kindergarten. You would think by the fourth child it would be easier, but nope! I’ve definitely been far more nervous than my independent little “only girl”. (She’s been begging me to go to school since she could talk!)
I remember walking my first born into kindergarten at a new, scary (to me) school while rather pregnant with this little girl and thinking about how many more first days we had to come.
[Tweet “Our strange answer to “Are You Done Having Kids?” #family”]
When I walked our third born son into his first day of school, this little girl was 2 years old. At the time I thought to myself, “Huh. When I bring her to school, I *might* not even have another baby to bring along with me. That’s weird.”
Yet here I am, walking our little girl into school on her first day, and lugging along yet another baby. And this time, do you know what I’ll be thinking? “Huh. When I bring him to school, I *might* not even have another baby to bring along with me. That’s weird.”
The Question
If you have one kid or several, I think we’ve all been asked that same question.
Are you done having kids?
I think that some Moms (and Dads) are bothered by that question. They find it intrusive.
But I’ve been on the receiving end of some very mean and rude comments on the size of our family (even from people who should know better). So “are you done” questions don’t really offend me. I think we are all a bit curious about each other, and that’s ok.
But our own answer to the Are You Done question always seems to catch people off guard.
“Are you done having kids?” “I don’t know.”
Because that’s the answer you give when you’re asked what restaurant you want to eat at, or what your favorite planet is. Family size is supposed to be very specific and determined.
Why do we feel that way?
Choosing your family size is a big deal. It’s an important decision. Not something to be considered lightly.
For me, I have no idea what the future holds. When I’m in the midst of never sleeping newborns or crazy, trying toddlers, I am tempted to say I never want another child again. But that’s making a rash decision in the heat of the moment that another child will never exist because I am tired. That’s not good enough for me.
Now some people have serious reasons that they can never bear another child, and so family size is pretty determined for them. I can see why some people give a very decided “Yes” to the big question.
As for our family, we ebb and flow.
Some days I definitely can’t handle 5 kids. (For the record, we currently have five kids.) I don’t mean that I can’t care for them properly. I do mean that I get exhausted and have bad days just like the next mom does (no matter what her family size is).
Other days I wish for another baby to snuggle and watch grow into a beautiful, independent person.
I’m just not willing to make a concrete decision today that I will never have another baby. I have no idea what the future holds. So until God determines otherwise, there’s always a chance for another Medium Sized Family baby.
How do you feel about “Are you done?” Does it annoy you or do you think nothing of it? Do you have a firm answer for that question?
We have 5 as well . . . and we are done :). But unless I know someone very well, I feel like it is none of their business.
I agree. It’s like when a random person stops you at a store and asks if they are all yours and if you are done. It makes me want to ask them what type of underwear they wear and why they made that life choice. haha!
People were asking me that question the same day I had my second baby. It does kind of bother me sometimes, like that implies that my family is not complete and I need to have another. I say yes I am done, I had hard pregnancies both time and I cannot be a good mom to my children when pregnant so I would rather be able to spend time with my children and have fun.
That’s terrible! No mom wants to be thinking about that after she just gave birth, no matter how many kids she has!
Thanks for reading. 🙂
Great post! We decided from the get-go we only wanted 2. People used to ask us all the time, while the kids were smaller, when we were going to try for a boy. Or they’d say we should make another – “your kids are so cute!” That is always nice to hear, but none of it changed our minds. We both work full-time and just decided on two somewhat arbitrarily. I do sometimes wonder what another child would be like (similar to it’s sisters? More like me, or hubby? or completely it’s own little self?) but I am very happy with the size of our family – and we all fit in my little car! 😀
When we had our girl after having 3 boys, several people told us that we finally got our girl, so we could quit having kids. As if we only had 4 kids because we were trying for a girl? That was never our reasoning at all! So when we had baby number 5, those people were baffled. Which I think is sad, because it completely misses the joy of having a baby.
Thanks for reading!
Aw! The first day of kindergarten is so exciting for every child! I am “done” just because I am too old now (although some people do have kids later in life), but I do not think people should ask that. I think having a large family is wonderful!
Thank you!
I’ve never been bothered by the question but I know quite a few people who take it very personally. Recently we’ve been getting the follow up comment of “well now you’ve got a boy and girl so you don’t need to have another” I didn’t realize we needed to have another after the boy! I am glad we have the set, but I still think we could have another, even though we don’t ‘need’ one 😉
I am someone who would probably say “wow! five kids!” but only because I don’t know how I could handle that many, but I admire you for being able to. I’ve always wanted a big family, I just don’t know if I can make one, I really don’t enjoy being pregnant and I am starting to really focus on my career which makes it hard. I agree that you should do whatever is right for you and your family! Plus if you have six, you can say you have half a dozen kids and that seems like it would be super fun to say! 🙂
Yep, I think nearly everyone is just doing what is best for their family. Thanks for reading!
My baby just started Kindergarten this week (my one and only, so far!)….I’ve always thought about having more but I was an only child and it just feels natural to me. Then again, my daughter Claire “requests” a brother or sister almost EVERY day and I think that more kids in our family is just as must a vote from her as it is her parents! I’ve learned a lot just looking over a few of your posts here and definitely plan to implement some of your “night before” rules in the top post, for sure! Thanks for reaching out on my site and I’m happy to meet you here on yours as well 🙂 Jessica
Thanks for the visit! I love “meeting” other bloggers. 🙂
I agree, Jamie. It seems like such an odd question. Even if we think we are or are not done, the outcome is not always within our control. And I’m not sure what difference it makes either! We have 5 children, all adopted. People like to ask us if we’re done too. My answer is usually, “No, but we don’t really know what the next plan is.” Though, like you, I have days when there is no way I FEEL like adding another little body to the family! Visiting from Thoughtful Thursdays.
I don’t even have one yet… And that seems like a daunting number! But frankly, I think it’s no-one else’s business how many children you want. People are way too nosey these days… Thanks for linking up to Blogger Brags. I have pinned your post to the Blogger Brags Pinterest board.
Really, how can people be so inconsiderate? I would love to have had a big family, five would have been fine with me. Unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be, I have two wonderful children and now two adorable granddaughters. I know people have already been asking my daughter if she is going to “try for a boy”. It is amazing how prying people can be. Thank you so much for sharing at Celebrate it Sunday.
Yes, people will say just about anything to pregnant women and mothers of young kids. Thanks for hosting the party!
I think people just are curious and don’t realize they are being offensive or crossing a line. I have two miracle babies that are boys. After two difficult and early pregnancies, I was advised not to go for the third, who would have a 99% chance of being born extremely premature. I praise God for my two boys that He blessed me with. I get the “When are you going to try for a girl?” question a lot but I just smile and say we are done. I loved your article though and your answer to the question! Thanks for sharing with #SocialButterflySunday! Hope to see you link up again this Sunday 🙂
We have 12 kids and we would have loved to have more! When you have thst many, or really any number over maybe 4!, you get the rude looks, strangers asking how you can -love, care for, feed,- that many kids! Then as your family grows they kind of give up on you ‘being done’and actually accept the number you have…now we have only 4 left at home and it happens that the 3 oldest are girls, and our ‘baby’ is a boy! Now we hear ‘Finally have your boy!’ Ahh, no -he has 6 brothers and 2 more sisters!
We have just learned to laugh it off now, although when we had 8 or 9 little ones and I was pregnant again it sure wasn’t easy and there were many times I would be in tears after a trip to the grocery store.
I do miss the baby years, our oldest is 34 and the youngest 11, but I also love that I can do something and leave it out , crafts, paints,without worrying about little hands getting into it! ( now I know why so many Grandma’s start painting!) The grandkids make up for not having any more babies and yes, it is really nice to love them, spoil them a little & send them back home knowing you could sleep ALL NIGHT without getting up 3 or 4 times during the night!
I just found your blog today ( from Ash Homestead) and I already know I’ll enjoy reading your posts, so thank you!
I’m so glad to have you here! You have so much experience, I’m sure I can learn a lot from you. I’ve definitely been there, pregnant with the other kids in tow and people (especially cashiers who you can’t easily get away from) will say the meanest things and not have any concept of how rude they are being to a hormonal woman. It’s a shame. But great when you get past it and can laugh it off like you said. Thanks for reading!
I loved this! People thought we were weird for having a third when we already had a girl and a boy. We didn’t care. I’d always known I wanted “at least” three children. (We are, unless we get a surprise baby, because I have very difficult bed rest inducing nightmare pregnancies.)
People ask me all the time if we are done. It doesn’t usually bother me, but the other day I really wanted to smack this rude older woman who charged at me while loading the kids in the car fussing at me because my 6 month old was crying because the wind was hitting her in her car seat and I couldn’t close the door because my 3 year old wasn’t cooperating with being buckled by my 6 year old and I had to lean back there to do it. She said “Wow, I hope you are about done having kids!” I had a lot of thoughts I respectfully kept to myself and just drove away as she waddled smugly into the grocery store I’d just exited…lol
Ugh!! I have no idea why seeing children brings out that sort of rude, nasty behavior in some people. Most of the time I let comments go, because I think people are just trying to make conversation or just really want to talk about the kids. But people who go out of their way to make a nasty comment really need to find a fly in their food. 😉
After my 4th child was born we decided that we were done. We got rid of the baby items as my daughter outgrew them and life went on. But, I had a feeling that we weren’t really done. When she was one my husband and I started talking about having another child. We spent the next year trying to make up our minds and we finally decided to go ahead and try for a 5th child. I got pregnant right away but then quickly had a miscarriage. I was so confused and disappointed. I’m pregnant now and it has been the most challenging one by far. Due to complications, I will not be able to have any more children but this time, I feel like it is ok.
I am glad to have found your blog! I have never felt that 5 children was a ‘large’ family though society doesn’t always see things this way! Funnily enough, I too have 3 boys followed by a daughter. We will find out what child #5 is this summer!
I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. My fifth pregnancy wasn’t a difficult one, but I felt uneasy about it the entire time. I struggled with the labor and delivery because I just couldn’t relax, but everything turned out great for both of us.
I’m really surprised at how many of the families of 5 that I know of have 4 boys and 1 girl. Praying for a great pregnancy and delivery for you!